I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
