My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
