I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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