Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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