So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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