if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
