She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Randomize
