i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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