Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
