That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
