Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
