somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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