then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
