Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
