did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
