So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
