I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
