i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
