Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
