I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
