Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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