Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
