It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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