He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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