The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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