i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
