Where did you get a picture of my penis
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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