There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
