so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
