note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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