I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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