A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
