today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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