Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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