i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
