I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
