Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
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No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
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Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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