mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
