I hate your face
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
