all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
