Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
