Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
she looked like the before picture.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
