When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
