I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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