I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
