at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
