Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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