Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
