Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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