my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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