having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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