Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Houston, we have a blender
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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