Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
