yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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