she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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