he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
