im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
