There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
