I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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