New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
