Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
